my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
So vagazzling was a success
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
