with your own penis?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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