sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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