Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
