***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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