So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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