i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Acid is not a monday night drug
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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