My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
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