I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
