i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
