I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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