do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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