My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
