Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
