I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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