saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
