I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
