I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize