So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
