o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
