i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
