New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My Higher Power is John Stamos
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
