Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
