Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
