High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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