"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize