Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
