Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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