i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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