I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
