Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
