Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so let's talk penis.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i now understand why vodka
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
