yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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