if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
