My liver just broke up with me...
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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