Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
