I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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