Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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