I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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