Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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