When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
