I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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