So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I can't put those talents on a resume
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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