My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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