I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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