i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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