You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
