I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
