Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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