That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
We got so high we made milksteak
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
