fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
