my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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