Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
