what if every blade of grass was a penis?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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