All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
