I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
