It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Randomize
