Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
