Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
