i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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