I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
The uberlube is also flammable
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
