Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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