I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I understand Curling. That high.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
