please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
