dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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