I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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