apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
